Women Need These Four Things To Thrive
In 1992, American author and relationship counselor John Gray published Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. It became a cultural phenomenon, spending 121 weeks on the bestseller list and embedding its central metaphor deep into popular culture. The idea that men and women were fundamentally different creatures—operating from separate psychological planets—spawned stand-up comedy routines, sitcom plotlines, apparel, fragrances, and even his-and-hers salad dressings.
Today, the simplistic binaries and stereotypes of the 1990s feel dated and insufficient. The book has rightly been criticized for overgeneralization and pop-psychological neatness. And yet, beneath the cultural caricature, one core truth remains: men’s and women’s brains do differ—just not in the ways those old metaphors suggested.
To understand those differences more clearly, it helps to look at how the brain itself functions.
The human brain is divided into two hemispheres, each with distinct tendencies. While both hemispheres are active in all people, research suggests that men and women tend to rely on them differently.
The left hemisphere is associated with linear thinking, strategy, task orientation, logic, and mathematics. It is often referred to as the “male” side of the brain—not because women lack these capacities, but because men, on average, tend to operate more dominantly from this hemisphere.
The left brain is also where dopamine plays a starring role. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter closely associated with motivation, focus, and reward. That satisfying feeling you get when you check something off your to-do list? That’s dopamine at work.
One of dopamine’s defining features is that it can be self-generated. By engaging in goal-directed behavior—completing tasks, solving problems, achieving milestones—you stimulate dopamine release. The brain then remembers the reward and encourages you to repeat the behavior. Dopamine fuels productivity through action and accomplishment.
The right hemisphere, by contrast, is associated with emotional processing, creativity, sensuality, intuition, and relational awareness. This side is often referred to as the “female” brain—not because men lack emotional depth or creativity, but because women, on average, tend to be more right-hemisphere dominant.
The key neurotransmitter here is serotonin.
Serotonin is also a feel-good chemical, but it functions very differently from dopamine. Unlike dopamine, serotonin cannot be reliably self-generated. It is primarily activated through external experiences: appreciation, respect, affection, belonging, and positive feedback from others and from the environment.
Here’s the crucial part: serotonin increases dopamine. When serotonin rises, motivation follows.
In other words, when we feel seen, valued, and appreciated, we naturally feel more energized and motivated to continue what we’re doing. This applies to all genders—but the effect is not evenly distributed.
Here’s where the biology gets interesting.
Although women tend to be more right-brain dominant, men have roughly 50% more serotonin receptors than women. This means that women require more external affirmation to achieve the same serotonergic—and subsequent dopaminergic—effect.
When women don’t receive adequate positive feedback from their environment, serotonin levels drop. When serotonin drops, dopamine follows. Motivation declines—not because of laziness, insecurity, or neediness, but because the neurochemical system is no longer being supported.
This matters deeply, because a woman’s well-being is not purely internal. It is relational and environmental. Without sufficient conditions of being seen, supported, respected, and valued, her vitality erodes—regardless of how intelligent, capable, ambitious, or disciplined she may be.
Two examples help illustrate this dynamic.
In a positive scenario, a physician named Jan receives frequent appreciation from her patients. They tell her how much she’s helped them, how her care has changed their lives. This steady stream of external validation boosts Jan’s serotonin, which in turn fuels her dopamine. Neurochemically, her effort is being met with reward. The result is sustained motivation, satisfaction, and well-being.
Now consider a different scenario.
Susan spends her Saturday preparing a special dinner for date night with her partner, Adrienne. She plans the meal, dresses beautifully, lights candles. When Adrienne arrives home, she is distracted and irritable. She doesn’t notice the effort Susan has made. She’s preoccupied, critical, and focused only on her own difficult day.
Neurochemically, Susan’s effort goes unrewarded. Even if she consciously tells herself not to take it personally—even if she understands her partner’s stress—the brain registers a mismatch between effort and outcome. Over time, serotonin drops. Dopamine drops. Motivation diminishes.
What happens the next time? The tenth time? The hundredth time?
This is not about fragility or dependence. Women are not “too sensitive,” image-obsessed, or emotionally excessive. They are wired for a neurochemical exchange with their environment. When that exchange is consistently absent or negative, the system falters.
At first glance, this might sound discouraging. After all, you can’t control whether others appreciate you. You can’t force respect, attention, or care.
But while you can’t control people, you can design conditions.
If you are a woman—or if you love one—there are four conditions that meaningfully support this neurochemical ecosystem.
Nature.
The natural world offers a profoundly regulating relational field. Research shows that time in nature boosts serotonin and calms the nervous system. The nonjudgmental presence of landscapes, animals, and even beloved pets provides a steady, nourishing form of external affirmation.
Solitude.
While it may seem counterintuitive, solitude strengthens your ability to choose supportive environments. Time alone allows you to hear your own truth, access creativity, and discern which relationships or endeavors are serotonin-depleting. Solitude sharpens discernment.
Meaning.
When meaning and purpose are central fidelities in your life, you naturally attract people who resonate with those values. Shared meaning creates organic validation and mutual recognition. You don’t have to beg to be understood; you are met.
Being seen and appreciated.
This is not optional—it is essential. Respect your need to be seen as a legitimate requirement for well-being. Ask partners to put their phones down. Name what makes you feel valued. Surround yourself with people who truly know you. Let go of critics, dismissers, and energy vampires—those for whom your presence does not matter.
When you intentionally design your life to meet these conditions, something shifts. You feel more alive. More creative. More resilient. Motivation returns—not through force, but through nourishment.
And as your internal tide rises, so does your capacity to contribute meaningfully to your work, your relationships, and the world.
Kelly Wendorf is an author, writer, poet, ICF Master Certified Coach and the Founding CEO of EQUUS, a leadership development organization based in Santa Fe, NM.